Which model of therapy is best for working with LGBTQ+ Relationship clients?

There are a number of different options when thinking about which model of relationship therapy works best with LGBTQ+ clients. When I was looking for a model of therapy to train in out of graduate school, I surveyed the landscape. I was looking for a model whose founders were affirmative, meaning diversity wasn’t an afterthought. Diversity and acceptance were built into the structure of the model.

What makes a training LGBTQ+ affirmative?

Let’s start by exploring what makes training LGBTQ+ affirmative. First off, as a queer person I want to feel welcome and safe in the space. I expect sharing pronouns to be the norm, not the exception. The model needs to make space for different relationship structures. If someone is telling me that the only type of relationship that is “healthy” is heterosexual monogamous marriage, I’m out. The model needs to work with nonmonogamy, polyamory, monogamy, and other relationship configurations not yet named.

When I started training in the Developmental Model of Relationship Therapy in 2018, I found it to be the model that made the most sense to me as a relationship therapist. The model is one of the oldest around, created by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson in the 1980s. In their first book that came out in the 80s, there was even a case example with gay men. This was a courageous step that Ellyn and Pete took during the height of the AIDS crisis when it wasn’t exactly popular to stand up for queer relationships.

Why is the Developmental Model good for LGBTQ+ relationships?

The Developmental Model is based on three guiding principles: attachment theory, neurobiology, and differentiation theory. Many models have the first two components, but differentiation theory is for many the secret sauce of this framework.

What is differentiation theory?

I could (and I have) written an entire book on the merits of differentiation in gay relationships. By differentiating in a relationship, we allow space for what’s important to ourselves and what’s important for our partner(s). It’s not only about co-regulating and healing early attachment wounds, though those can be important steps along the way.

We help our queer clients go inside and articulate, sometimes for the first time, what their wants, feelings, needs, and desires are. We then help them make space for the same things from their partner(s).

From where I’m sitting, that’s very much in alignment with queer theory. We’re not telling people what the “right” way to attach is. We’re helping them discover what their unique needs from a relationship are and how to communicate those to the people they love.

One Step Further

Ellyn and Pete have an online training program for therapists at The Couples Institute. While learning from Ellyn and Pete is incredible, when I was doing my training I wished there was a space specifically for LBGTQ+ clinicians to learn this model from a queer perspective. With Ellyn and Pete’s blessing, and their guidance, I created a nine-month online training program for LGBTQIA2S+ clinicians to learn this model from a queer perspective. It’s a small group, cohort style training and it has been powerful and transformative for those folx who have gone through it. If you’re interested in learning more about this training, please check out this page.