The benefits of studying relationship therapy in a cohort of other LGBTQ+ folx

There’s a safety that comes from being in a space with other LGBTQ+ folx. I know this isn’t universally true and many people have had negative experiences in queer spaces. But let me paint you a picture of the alternative.

Training Situation

I was in a mixed-identity professional training once and a straight, white woman was talking about a mixed-race gay male couple. Let me start by saying I know this therapist meant well. However, as she was presenting the case she was missing big aspects of how the couples' identities were impacting their relationship. My blood started to really boil when she said confidently that “we all know open relationships never work.”

First I had to pick my shocked wide-open jaw up off the floor. Then I had to decide whether or not I felt safe enough in that group to share my perspective. I wasn’t sure who else in the group identified as queer. I wasn’t sure how safe the instructor was. I did end up sharing my perspective, which was followed by that awkward silence that often proceeds a minority opinion being swept under the rug.

Another Training Example

Let me give another example. I was giving a training once to a group of mixed-identity clinicians when someone who wasn't queer asked me a question about pronouns. She then went on to tell me that she was too old to learn to use "they/them" and that though she meant no ill harm she wasn't willing to work on using the pronouns that felt right for the clients she was seeing. 

Again, picked my jaw up off the floor and as the trainer I had to speak both to her concerns about aging and the very real pain she was causing her clients by misgendering them. 

Training in a cohort of other LGBTQ+ folx

The queer community is as diverse as the queer community is. I would never try to make us into a monolith. What I can say is that I have felt and observed a sense of safety that can be created by being in a training with other queer folx.

I learned this early in my career when I interned at Queer Lifespace in the Castro in San Francisco. Our cohort was entirely queer in all the beautiful ways that can manifest. While we all had different perspectives and experiences, there was a certain safety that was created there. I could bring my full self into the room each time I shared about a client and I think that helped me grow more as a clinician. I also felt like I was providing better care to my clients because I was getting support that was appropriate. 

Queer Developmental Model Training

Let’s face it, while the number of people identifying as queer is increasing, we’re still a relatively small percentage of the population. I see that in most of the trainings that I’ve attended as a therapist. As a member of the Developmental Model community for years, I wished there were more queer therapists familiar with the framework to refer other clients to and create community with.

My belief in the model and my desire to have more LGBTQ+ therapists trained in it inspired me to create the nine-month online training program in the Developmental Model for LGBTQ+ clinicians. Each cohort that comes through creates more clinicians familiar with this model that I’ve seen transform the lives of the relationship clients I’ve worked with over the years.

When you’re thinking about where to focus your training time and money, think about how safe you feel in the spaces that you’re entering into. If you don’t feel safe, find a place that you do. This work is too hard to do without safety. 

Change is Possible

I want to leave you with a positive example from our last training year. One of the guidelines that I require in the training is that we all include our pronouns in our zoom names. This might seem like a very simple and common sense requirement in today's world. However, one of the people in the training told me that they didn't feel safe sharing their real pronouns in a previous training environment because this wasn't a group norm there. This prevented them from showing up as their full self in that training. 

There's always room for improvement. There were also incidents in the queer training where incorrect pronouns were accidentally used. My learning for the next round is that we collaborate on a set of group norms right at the start of the year so that we can address how to handle mistakes together as a group. It's not about perfection, it's about openness and doing what needs to be done to create safety for all.