As a therapist how do you help your clients celebrate the unique joys and challenges of LGBTQ+ relationships?

As therapists and coaches I believe it’s our job to help our LGBTQ+ clients overcome challenges, but more importantly, celebrate the unique joys that queer relationships provide.

Take for instance this gay male couple I worked with. They were trying to figure out some challenges in their relationship around finances. One session they came in hot after just having a disagreement. Many therapists, and many models of therapy, would encourage those clients to dive into the conflict and maybe even try to mediate it in the hopes of helping them hear each other’s perspectives.

A Developmental Model approach to this situation would look quite different.

A Different Way to Lead

Instead of diving into the fight of the week, I might borrow a Pete Peterson intervention and ask them “what’s your theory about why we’re meeting?” In the case of the couple I was mentioning above, that intervention opened up the session in a profound way. We were able to realign with their relationship North Star. I was able to do that because of the years of training I’ve had with Ellyn and Pete.

A Relationship North Star

This couple’s North Star happened to be a shared desire to have more intimate connections together. If we had gone into the fight of the week, we probably wouldn’t have surfaced their desire for more intimate connections. If I had to guess, they both would’ve become dysregulated and I would’ve been lucky to help them soothe enough to walk out of the session less frustrated then when we started. Which of course, is not always the goal or possible. 

Queer Joy

After I had the couple share their theories around why we were meeting, I was able to tap into their strengths as a relationship. I could reflect back to them how much fun they’d had being sexually explorative together a few weeks back on vacation. I could remind them about how far they’ve come on their open relationship agreements. Eventually, the hope is they will be able to internalize that soothing and compassionate voice and soothe themselves, all while celebrating the unique ways they experience queer joy as a couple.

Continued Learning

If I could leave you with one intervention to ponder, it would be this. Instead of going right for the conflict or problem, take a moment to consider the queer joy that is present with clients in the room with you. Can you leverage that to help motivate and encourage your clients to move toward growth together? Think about it, by definition when a person is flooded it’s tough to see the forest for the trees. As an LGBTQ+ affirmative therapist you can help your clients see their strengths, even in times of discomfort.  You can also help them deepen their capacity for queer joy. If you start experimenting with this more with your clients I think you’ll see more progress and feel less burnout.

Want More? 

This is just one intervention that you can learn if you sign up for my Developmental Model Relationship Training for LGBTQIA2S+ helping professionals. In this small cohort online training you will transform your work with relationship clients and feel more confident in your business through the process. Learn more here.