Impossible Questions for a Therapist to Answer

If you’re a therapist who works with relationship clients, you’re probably familiar with questions like this: “Should we stay together or should we separate?” It can be difficult to be put in the middle of a relationship dilemma like this. This can seem like an impossible question for a therapist to answer. And it is in many ways. However, one of the main reasons people start relationship therapy is to figure out whether or not they want to stay together. So what's a helping professional to do?

I worked with a gay male couple recently who presented with a similar dilemma. There had been a series of lies and betrayals and the couple was trying to decide whether to stay together or break-up.

Before I get into ideas for how to work with this dilemma, I want to share with you some unique things to consider about LGBTQ+ clients and the question of when to end a relationship. 

Small Queer Village

The queer community can be small, even in big cities. According to the last US census, only about 7.1% of the population identifies as LGBTQ+. That’s a small number, especially when you start separating the identities out. Sometimes clients will stay in relationships that don’t feel healthy to them because of fears they might not find someone better. While non-queer clients can have similar fears, it's important to consider if the fears are valid for some queer clients. Especially those who live in small communities. 

Family Pressure

If a client has grown up in a conservative household or community, there can be added pressure to stay together to prove others wrong.  Especially unaccepting family members. Many people in this country still believe that queer and trans relationships are less valid than heterosexual ones. Consider this factor when you're working with a queer or trans relationship client. 

What is Your Role as the Therapist

Think about the therapist dilemma I mentioned above, a gay male couple trying to decide if they want to stay together or separate. When we think about this from a Developmental Model perspective, it’s important to consider what your role as the therapist is in this dynamic.

Differentiation 

When relationship clients are trying to make a decision, I would offer that your role is to help them understand what’s important to each partner before moving forward with a decision. Using the example above, I’d want to get myself out of the middle and help each partner differentiate enough to know what they want, feel, need, or desire from the relationship. They won’t be able to make a big decision, like ending a relationship, until the partners are strong enough in their own skin. Until they know what’s really important to them.

Putting a Decision Off

That’s why some therapists will often encourage relationship clients to put off a big decision like breaking up or opening the relationship until there has been enough differentiation work done in the process. Some therapists will ask the couple if they consent to holding off on making a decision about the relationship for three or six months until more work has been done. This is a helpful approach if you can get the member of the relationship on board. 

Helping LGBTQ+ Clients Make Big Decisions

As a therapist, regardless of your own identity, it’s important that you keep a systems approach in mind when helping queer and trans clients make decisions about ending or staying in a relationship. Sometimes the outside world doesn't give us strong relationship role models. Sometimes clients won’t see the strengths they each have because of the systemic homophobia or transphobia that is clouding the air. As the helping professional in the room, it's important to highlight the strengths you see. 

The Therapist’s Role

At the end of the day, the therapist’s role is not to make decisions for our clients or to even influence them one way or another most of the time. If we’re able to, we can help empower the people we work with to go inward so that they can truly know what’s important to them. Only then can they make big life decision, like whether to end a relationship or not.