Dealing with defensiveness as a therapist in a relationship therapy session

If you’ve been working with relationship clients for a while, chances are you’ve encountered a client getting defensive with you. One of the jobs that we have as relationship therapists is occasionally confronting the stuck places that our clients encounter. At times, this will bring about defensiveness. That's natural. It doesn't mean you're a terrible therapist. It certainly doesn't mean you're a terrible person!

An Example of Client Defensiveness

Take this couple I worked with a few years back. This was a lesbian couple and one of the members of the relationship was drinking at a level that wasn’t working for the other partner. She was also starting to experience health consequences from her high alcohol use. For most therapists, this creates a tough dilemma. She was unwilling to look as her usage and her partner was done. 

A Gentle Confrontation 

At first, I started will a gentle confrontation like “how do you think your alcohol use is negatively impacting your relationship?” But after some time and not much progress in the relationship counseling, I brought in a more dramatic confrontation. At first, this brought about defensiveness from the client. She turned to me and said: “You’re off base. You don’t know what you’re talking about because alcohol isn’t an issue for the relationship.”

What do you do when you encounter such strong push back from a client? Do you bury your head in the sand and wait for the session to be over? I've been there before when I first started working with relationship clients. Luckily, I now have a few guiding principals I’ve learned along the way from Ellyn and Pete and the Developmental Model.

Don’t Take it Personally

In the heat of the moment, it can be hard not to take the pushback personally. When I was a newer therapist I would’ve probably taken that client’s pushback as a sign to back off and change the subject. I would certainly have felt bad about my intervention. However, avoiding this issue would be a form of conflict avoidance and that doesn’t bring about relationship change in the room. 

Do Take Responsibility

That being said, sometimes we make mistakes as therapists. This is why it’s important to have a strong case conceptualization and an idea of where you’re going with each partner. Differentiation theory and the Developmental Model have helped me ground myself in theory. But when I’ve made a mistake, I own it and apologize. We are, after all, human and we can miss the mark sometimes. It’s important to self-reflect and get continued consultation. 

Honor the Protection

Usually, I am able to reframe for myself a client’s pushback or defensiveness as self-protection. In this case, the alcohol was a protection for this client. She used it as a way to numb out big feelings and she’d used the alcohol as a coping skill for years. It felt like a threat when it became a topic of conversation in therapy. That doesn’t mean you ignore it, but you do have to proceed with caution.  Like many models of therapy suggest, we don't want to push through or break a client's defenses or protections. 

Don’t Push

Thinking of defensiveness as a protection usually helps me switch gears as a therapist. I don’t take it personally. I check in with myself on my own actions. And then I get curious and compassionate. If you can speak to the more vulnerable part of a client that their defensiveness is guarding, there is a possibility for transformation.

With the couple I mentioned above, I was able to pivot and get below the protections. She was able to own her alcohol use and the negative impact it was having on the relationship. This was a game changer for them both. 

What I’m describing here is complex. It didn't happen over night or in one session. Intervening in this way takes practice and experimentation. These are all important building blocks of the Developmental Model. Like I said above, working with relationships is tricky. Seek consultation and training. Differentiation theory can change the way you think and work with relationships. It's certainly changed my perspective.