The Ultimate Guide to Better Sex: 10 Expert Tips from a Gay and Queer Sex Therapist

When it comes to great sex, many people think it's all about size, positions, and performance. But true pleasure goes far beyond those surface-level concerns. As a sex therapist working with gay men and couples, I’ve seen firsthand what really makes a difference in sexual satisfaction. In this guide, we’ll explore 10 sex therapist-approved tips that can help you enhance intimacy, communication, and pleasure in your gay and queer relationships.

1. Define What Sex Means to You

Many of us grew up with the baseball analogy for sex—first base, second base, third base, home run. This outdated framework prioritizes penetrative sex, which doesn’t work for everyone. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, and sensual touch can all be just as intimate and fulfilling. More men are also identifying as "sides," meaning they enjoy sex without anal penetration. The key? Have a conversation with your partner about what sex means to both of you.

Action Step: Ask your partner how they define sex, and share your perspective as well.

2. Own Your Sexual Health

Sexual health is crucial for both pleasure and safety. Are you getting regular STI screenings? If you have multiple partners, are you on PrEP to prevent HIV? If you test positive for an STI, do you inform your partners responsibly? Taking control of your sexual health is an act of self-care that benefits you and the community.

Action Step: Schedule a sexual health check-up with an LGBTQ+ affirmative doctor.

3. Address Sexual Shame

Sexual shame runs deep for many gay men. Growing up in a society that often silences or shames queer sexuality can make it difficult to embrace pleasure. In the U.S., only 11 states require LGBTQ+-inclusive sex education, while some states mandate negative messaging about queer sexuality. This lack of positive education affects our self-image and relationships.

Action Step: Journal about your relationship with sexual shame. If you feel comfortable, discuss it with a therapist, a friend, or your partner.

4. Experiment with Lube

Lube is a game-changer, no matter what kind of sex you're having. Water-based lubes are great for versatility, silicone-based lubes work well for anal play, and flavored lubes add fun to oral sex. If you're still using basic drugstore lube designed for heterosexual sex, it's time to upgrade.

Action Step: Visit a local sex shop or browse online for a new lube to try.

5. Understand Your Desire Type

Dr. Rosemary Basson’s research highlights two types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire means you're ready to go at any moment, while responsive desire requires more of a lead-in, like a sensual massage or emotional connection. Many couples experience mismatched desires, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong.

Action Step: Identify whether your desire is spontaneous or responsive and share it with your partner.

6. Learn About Accelerators and Brakes

Sexual desire works like a car: accelerators turn you on, while brakes turn you off. The Dual Control Model, introduced by sex researchers Drs. Eric Jansen and John Bancroft, explains that turn-ons and turn-offs vary from person to person. If something is acting as a brake for your partner, pushing the accelerator won’t help.

Action Step: Make a list of your sexual accelerators and brakes, and share them with your partner.

7. Don’t Focus Solely on Orgasm

If sex is just about reaching climax, you're missing out on deeper intimacy. Some men enjoy bottoming but don’t always orgasm from it. Others find pleasure in non-traditional forms of intimacy. As we age or navigate physical changes, redefining pleasure becomes key to maintaining a fulfilling sex life.

Action Step: During solo or partnered play, experiment with delaying or skipping orgasm to explore different sensations.

8. Avoid Pressure and Performance Anxiety

Sexual desire discrepancies are common. Maybe one of you prefers sex daily while the other is comfortable with once a week. Pressure to perform can actually reduce desire and create resentment. Instead of pushing for more sex, focus on open, respectful communication.

Action Step: Reflect on whether you've ever pressured a partner for sex, and consider how you can shift to a more consensual and pressure-free approach.

9. Take Responsibility for Your Own Pleasure

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. If you know what turns you on, communicate it clearly. Use what you've learned about accelerators and brakes to guide your partner in meeting your needs.

Action Step: Next time you have sex, tell your partner exactly what you need to reach orgasm or feel satisfied.

10. Share Your Fantasies

Exploring fantasies can add excitement and deepen intimacy, especially in long-term relationships. Whether it’s sharing a steamy story, watching porn together, or discussing roleplay, the key is open, shame-free communication. Pick the right moment and ensure your partner is receptive before diving into the conversation.

Action Step: Write down a fantasy you’d like to explore. If you feel safe, share it with a trusted partner.

Final Thoughts: Your Guide to Better Sex and Queer Connection

These tips are just information until you put them into action. Start having open conversations about sex in your relationship. If communication feels hard, get support—whether from a sex therapist, a friend, or resources like my book The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment.

Quick recap of the 10 tips:

1. Define what sex means to you.

2. Own your sexual health.

3. Acknowledge and work through sexual shame.

4. Experiment with lube.

5. Understand desire types.

6. Learn about accelerators and brakes.

7. Don’t focus solely on orgasm.

8. Avoid pressure in your sex life.

9. Take responsibility for your own orgasm.

10. Share your fantasies.

Each tip comes with an action step, so if you missed any, go back and take notes. Remember, queer folks deserve pleasure-focused, inclusive advice tailored for us, by us. While schools may not teach LGBTQ+ affirmative sex ed, we can crowdsource our knowledge and support one another.

Here’s to lots of pleasure-focused, incredible sex ahead. You deserve it!